Here is where i am
... a poem & reflection on accepting the eternal now 𖦹
here
i dream all day
i dream all night
in my own mind
is where i reside
in my own mind
is where i hide
searching for answers
i may never find
i have to accept
the place that i am
i want to be further
but here is where i am
𖦹 𖦹 𖦹
a reflection:
the irony of how i wrote this poem several years ago, yet i still possess this same sentiment. attempting to accept where i am. over and over again. while still hoping and dreaming and reaching. striving for more. there are dark days aplenty. but also bright ones scattered throughout.
polarity.
so i sit with it. doing my best to transmute. wondering what awaits me on the other side of whatever the fuck this is.
the only way out is through. 𖦹
it’s only a matter of perspective they say. a matter of the mind. and some days, i can’t seem to shake the sadness in mine. and so down the rabbit hole i go. falling into that slippery comparison trap.
what brings me back into the eternal now? — praying, crying, breathing, stretching, dancing, listening to music, writing, making art. even just staring at the ceiling or the sky. being in nature. and choosing to acknowledge that everything i already have can be enough, even if just for now.
acceptance. gratitude. presence.
trying to strike a balance between wanting way more for myself, and finding daily contentment within. but when does contentment become complacency?
the veil is thinning.
i look around me and i feel numb. not everyday. but lately, feeling like i’m just existing. floating by. wasting time.
remembering what it felt like to live deep within depression. how hard it was to pull myself out. but i did. i know this is not that anymore. but it’s a fleeting glimpse of a feeling all too familiar. it comes and it goes. ebbs and flows. and i’m hoping it doesn’t fully engulf me again and swallow me whole.
why do i find myself grieving my future? as if it’s out of reach. not guaranteed. i thought by now i’d be further. but here is where i am. paycheck to paycheck. stuck in the matrix. running the rat race. as the minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months blur into years.
♫♪ pure - the best unreleased mac miller song in my opinion. the lyrics just hit. ♪♫
“you got the light inside you, please don’t let it go to waste.” — malcolm
𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪
…oh how small our woes feel when you zoom out of your own inner-world and beyond into the infinite expanse of the universe. it’s eerie almost. humbling. comforting. yet unsettling. all at once.
what even matters?
will i ever be truly satisfied?
is my fate here already solidified?
will i achieve my goals within my finite time?
here.
here.
here.
now.
now.
now.
*all images used in this article are sourced from pinterest*
Discover more of my poems and ponderings:
You write like someone who already knows the light is still inside her. The dark days ebb, the brighter ones scatter through, and you keep choosing here anyway. That’s not floating by. That’s faith. The only way out is through, and through is taking you somewhere beautiful💞.
Oof this speaks to my soul 🤧🤧 so many days where my mind wanders and goes to places where I wouldn’t want it to - sometimes because everything comes crashing down at once, other days just because. It’s very truly said that if you master your mind, you master almost everything, because both a bored and a restless mind has you making desperate decisions. But of course, it’s easier said than done, with so many voices and stimuli surrounding us. Like you beautifully wrote, at the end of the day, it’s all ebbs and flows, some days we resist it, some days we sit with it… and ultimately we accept it. Healing is never linear, but a dance doesn’t happen without taking two steps back and then one forward, a leap doesn’t happen without first running back to gain momentum. Maybe our spirals are our peers in the sense they’re preparing you for that breakthrough change, challenging to give up the old story.
Always in awe of your poems and thoughts!! Loved this so much, so timely and relatable 💗🌻